The Power of Self-Portraits and how they changed my Life

Looking back now and rediscover them is really eye-opening. I took these photos in my early 20s, so roughly 34 years ago and about 31 years before my coming in as a trans woman. At that time in my life I already knew that I was different but I didn‘t have any words for that. I knew that I wasn‘t that typical straight cis guy, but I couldn‘t figure out what was different. Even more important, I didn‘t allow myself to think about it. But that‘s a different story…

So, looking at my first self-portraits is so crazy, because I can already see the woman inside me, my feminine part. And it‘s so interesting to see, which poses I chose, how I presented myself to my camera. But I also remember my struggle at that time and how it felt in my body. I never felt really good about myself, never felt beautiful or sexy, never had that confidence.

Over the years

As already mentioned most of my self-portraits got lost. Somehow I stopped doing self-portraits for quite a while. I do not remember the exact reasons, why I stopped. But for sure one big issue was the fact that I got lost in trying to pretend to be someone else. For decades I didn‘t realize that I am a woman and that this was the big difference I always felt. But a year before my coming in I started doing self-portraits again. Somehow I felt the urge to get in front of my camera and to rediscover myself.

Once again, it is fascinating to analyse my choices from my current perspective. I chose the parking garage of an Airbnb we rented for a couple of days for the location. I didn’t know how many people would interrupt me during my session, so it wasn’t an ideal spot, but it was the best I could find that day. I was intrigued by the light and the concrete walls.

Originally, I wanted to take some nude photos and bodyscapes. However, I didn’t have the courage to be naked in the car park, so I decided to wear some trousers that I borrowed from my wife, which is funny enough. Why didn’t I choose my own? Now I know…

The story behind that series of photos is now crystal clear to me, and shockingly enough, I didn’t understand it at the time. Being alone in the cellar, closed off from the outside world, but with a guiding light towards the only way out, symbolises how I felt at that time.

On that day, I made all the choices and did all the poses, but I still couldn’t figure out who I am. I still wouldn’t allow myself to think about my gender identity. But there’s a hopeful ending to the story. In the last photo, I am moving towards the exit, leaving the cellar and the darkness behind me.

10 month of searching

In the last 10 months before my coming in I was totally lost and confused. For the first time in my life I allowed myself to think about what is going on. Who am I? I did a lot of research online which helped me to gain knowledge about gender identity. But in addition to that I also did some self-portraits, because I wanted to actually see, who I am and what resonates with me. So I went into a studio twice where I felt safe and free enough to play around with poses and different looks. I started with only some body parts and some bodyscapes. I already felt very good about my long legs so I started with them. Combined with nail polish I was pretty surprised how much I liked this photo.